Sunday, May 30, 2010
I think I'm beginning to understand why some people prefer wordpress to blogger. Sometimes there are just somethings that you wanna say that you don't want the whole world to know. I guess I never really could relate to that since I've always been one to speak my mind. But i guess something inside me has changed. For the good or for the worse only time can tell. Since its somewhat related i guess I'll talk about what I said I would yesterday too.
I don't really know where to begin actually since its all kinda interlinked. hmm.. Oh well I'll just wing it. These 2 years have been long and hard. Not so much the army army stuff per se but the environment I've been this past 2 years. Surrounded by people few i would consider friends. Mostly idiots really but nonetheless idiots who taught me what to never become, idiots who taught me that when you're not a friend people will judge you even when it serves no purpose and idiots who made me wanna reflect for fear of turning into such a person. Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, i harp so much about karma nowadays.
No longer am I surrounded by friends(not for another 3 months at least) as I was back in school for even at work the harsh cruelty of reality slowly seeps into me and drains me of all motivations. Probably the reason I hate to go to work and also why I want school to start soon, in hope that I may return to that zorb ball of protection. Sadly when we no longer spend time with each other day in day out the dynamics of a relationship change significantly. I may be biased because I'm single but I think romantic relationships are overrated and platonic relationships undermined. Just a personal POV.
If someone were to ask me whether I'm internally or externally validated I'd say externally validated. I'm externally validated because I don't believe any one person's opinion represents the truth. Naturally that includes me. Just because i think something is good/true doesn't mean the world agrees. I very much depend on how others view me. Thus far that has been a major reason i don't "stray" . However I'm going from a "it's wrong to do this because most people would say its wrong and advice me against it" to a "most people aren't here to catch me doing it anyway so what the heck". I think most of you would know what I'm talking about actually. Its one step to the dark side i ought not to take. One step into the coffin too actually.
*this is the part i wish could be password protected but im gonna put it in anyway*Its kinda like deja vu to me really. A few years back it happened to you now its happening to me. You might not even remember the incident actually but to me, you matter enough for me to remember. You felt you lost a friend because I seemed like I didn't care anymore. But in actual fact it's because I didn't wanna probe too much. Now history seems to be repeating itself. I dare not probe but you make me feel like there isn't a need to anymore. Like what i think doesn't matter. I'm no good for advice I'm no good for cheering you up. Silence seems to be the best thing I can do really. Well you blogged openly about it so thus so shall I. I remember bemoaning the fact that you didn't even try and therefore i will try. But perhaps now is not the best of times what with you having enough on your plate already. It seems I'll go to the same person you went to too or rather i wish i could. He left on a jet plane and I don't know when he'll be back again. *Actually i don't really need a password cos few people will read the post even less will read till this point what with my posts being insanely long so cheers to "private" blog*
;cause I missed you again at 2:20 am
